Unless the WiFi is out beneath that rock you’re living under, you probably heard the news that sour beer extraordinaire Wicked Weed sold to big beer behemoth Anheuser-Busch InBev, sending shock waves through the nation’s craft beer circles and leading people to wonder if their massively-popular wild ales would be blended with Bud Light Lime to create the “Collaboration of Devastation!!!!” Yes, with four exclamation points. It’s all just hearsay, but stranger things have happened. See: Budweiser & Clamato Chelada.
News of this merger hasn’t really been too positive for Wicked Weed thus far. They lost voting rights in North Carolina’s craft brewers guild. Many craft beer bars said “GET OFF MY LAWN” and plan to cease carrying their brand. Even their world-famous Funkatorium Invitational had to be postponed because so many breweries pulled out. One brewery told us they and many of their counterparts will instead be attending a live reading of “Fran Drescher Recites the Yellow Pages” which, they say, will be far less painful than supporting AB InBev.
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom (ABI Headquarters), Mr. Luthor and company, like they do with all the breweries they purchase, wanted to make their newest acquisition feel warm inside in light of all this angst. So they put together a gift basket of goodies and had it rush-delivered to Wicked Weed’s front door.
“It’s been a rough week, so it was nice to receive some love,” an imaginary Wicked Weed representative said on the condition of anonymity.
But when folks at Wicked Weed opened the basket, the contents…well, they were a bit confusing.
This list is not complete, but allegedly, here’s what the gift basket contained:
- An industrial-sized bag of Sour Patch Kids with a post-it note that said “for dry-hopping purposes”
- Three boxes of Warheads (the sour candy, not the metaphorical warheads ABI has earmarked for craft beer)
- A copy of Mein Kampf
- Lemon slices
- An autographed photo of August Busch IV standing next to a baby seal with a club WAIT WHAT’S HE DOING?!?!
- A black talisman with a message that says “If you ever need me, hold this up to the sun for 10 seconds.” – Stan
- “Who the hell is Stan?”
- “Wait…there’s an A between the S and the T……………”
- And a Bud Chelada…because obviously no sane human being is buying that shit. Right? RIGHT?!? Might as well gift it.
“I’m not sure if they really know what we do here,” the perplexed Wicked Weed representative admitted.
Not too certain on what to do with the “gift,” the team at Wicked Weed has listed the basket and its contents on Craigslist.
“The going market for black talismans with a Satan engraving is pretty high right now, so we’re hoping people will look passed the fact that they’ll be supporting AB InBev and give us a call on this stuff,” the Wicked Weed rep concluded.
The Stuck Mash is a thing on Breaking Brews consisting of words, sentences, and paragraphs. Its contents represent a tapestry of flavors, textures, aromas, and moments designed to illuminate the mind, the body, and the spirit. OK, full disclosure: It’s a parody of some shit. But with this one…I could actually see this happening, couldn’t you?!