Stylin’ & Profilin’ is a brief look at different beer styles and the pretentious jabs the King of Beers takes at them in an ironic attempt to stroke their own ego over their bland, flavorless swill…er, I mean, that will help you learn whether they’re right for you. Ultimately, words can’t truly turn you on to a solid craft beer. You have to smell, taste, and savor (defined by AB-InBev as “dissecting,” like a frog…or a crappy TV ad) each sip to truly discover if it’s one you’ll come back to in the future. It’s also important to discover whether your beer was brewed the hard way. With calculus and atom splitting and shit. Anyway…
What Is A Pumpkin Peach Ale?
The Pumpkin Peach Ale is a unique brew with a deep-rooted lineage that’s stood the test of time for a bunch of centuries. It is well-documented that certain members of our first colonies were brewers and distillers, brewing beer and other adult beverages in the hardest of ways. Then, a brash, curly-mustachioed man named Ebinezer Cumberbatch came forward with some knowledge of brewing and decided they should try to do things an easier way. Dumbfounded that a path of least resistance was even suggested, the big wigs who hated change “impeached” Ebinezer from their group and banned him from all future box socials.
It inspired Ebinezer to brew a beer, as a slap in the face to all those with a taste for the tasteless, containing that sweet, sticky nectar of the peach. As his creation began to come together, old Eb was still feeling the affects of being ostracized by the masses. So to clear his head, he sat in a pumpkin patch alone one night, waiting for The Great Pumpkin to arrive. When nary a pumpkin showed his or her face, Eb became angry and decided he’d throw some pumpkin into the mix as well. This way he could stick it to the man AND to the Great Pumpkin for standing him up. “That’ll show ’em,” Eb said proudly.
It wasn’t long before the Pumpkin Peach Ale was ready for consumption.
But, to Ebinezer’s surprise, no one drank it. They just looked at it. And smelled it. And passed it to their buddy. Who also smelled it. Then held it up to the light. Then two more people arrived and did the same thing. Then they swirled it in their mug. What was going on here?!? People never did this with beer brewed the hard way.
Finally, reality hit Eb that maybe his peachy pumpkiny beer just wasn’t for the masses. People of this day and age liked the “golden suds.” He sadly pulled his beer away from the public eye and muttered to himself “What the hell am I going to do with 500 t-shirts that say ‘Life’s a Peach, Then You’re Pie?'”
Well, the year is now 2015 and Ebinezer is long gone, boys and girls. But the spirit of his mission lives on. That fateful idea to bring to market a beer brewed with pumpkin and peach was resurrected by Anheuser-Busch InBev as a reminder that we are all supposed to walk the path of conformity and drink beers that make us feel warm and fuzzy not only because the horse rescued the puppy from the wolf, but also because, chances are, they just made us nauseous.
What? You were spending the weekend at your timeshare on Pluto and missed the ad? OK, here you go:
See! Pumpkin Peach Ale HAS to be good, because the King of Beers referenced it! Right? Honestly, I could break this down clip by clip, but that’s been happening since this hit the airwaves in the 3rd quarter of what ended up being the most watched television program in history. I will, however, say this: Maybe, just maybe, since 139 years have passed since you discovered Beechwood Aging and no one else has given it a whirl, the process sucks.
So, what is a Pumpkin Peach Ale? Yes, yes, it’s an actual beer…in the AB-InBev family as of a couple weeks ago ironically enough. ABI purchased Elysian Brewing out of Seattle, who makes a pecan peach pumpkin amber ale known as “Gourdgia on My Mind.” But I don’t mock ABI for that as their Super Bowl clip was probably through production before the Elysian deal closed. That little piece of irony aside, there’s plenty of other fun stuff to mock in this minute of life you’ll never get back. Enough so that the “Pumpkin Peach Ale” has become much more than just a beer…
It has quickly taken on a life of its own and become a metaphor for a collection of beer drinkers who like to drink beer that actually tastes like something. It’s proof that thousands of brewers had the ingenuity to go against the grain and brew something that didn’t taste like old bath water and make it stick. It represents a paradigm shift in our world that, in 2015 and beyond, we, as consumers, are not going to let clever (loosest possible term ever at this point) advertising determine the beer we drink. Its mention shows Budweiser’s last gasp effort to kick out of the 1-2-3 after half a million consecutive Hulk Hogan patented legdrops.
So as we continue to dissect our beers and fuss over something that has flavor in lieu of suffering through another beechwood aged dumpster fire that was brewed the hard way, let’s keep in mind how easy ABI wants us to believe it was for all those breweries to get that beer in front of us. It was second nature to brew a beer with natural ingredients instead of extracts. It was a piece of cake to get that shelf space from ABI so you and I could discover an alternative to golden swill…ahem, suds. It was no problem for the craft brewers to overcome the lawsuits from ABI because they had the money to sue a small start-up brewery into the poorhouse if they desired.
You keep believing in that crisp, smooth finish. We’ll keep drinking the easy stuff.
NOTE: Family members of Ebinezer Cumberbatch were unavailable for comment.