There once was a simpler time in life where ye did not pass judgement on adult beverages for being sans hop-forwardness. Ye didn’t care about the earthy top note, so-bitter-you’ll-hate-puppies finish and/or orgasm-inducing mouthfeel. When you heard the word ‘palate,’ its context was “Throw another pallet on that bonfire, mandinga (It was the 90s. Ace Ventura was cool.).”
Our drinks didn’t put an end to baldness and they weren’t expected to cure glaucoma. None of this mattered. These drinks were best chugged through a cloud of weed smoke. You never questioned it. You accepted it and you woke up the next morning asking why the aftertaste of candy and hot dogs and broken dreams all equally consumed your tongue.
But it didn’t. It’s pulling a Guns ‘N Roses. What once was old is now new…and clear…and back…again.
Dust off the Jolly Ranchers and lie to your parents about where you’ll be, kids, because Zima is poised for a big time comeback! Piggy-backing on the rise from the dead of Crystal Pepsi in 2016, Zima is capitalizing on America’s love affair with drinking anything you can see through as long as it’s infused with just the right amount of nostalgia.
When I was 17, I remember watching some kid…who ended up at our party but didn’t go to our school…or, for that matter, a school…chug a Zima. Then he chugged a bottle of hot sauce.
He was the fucking man.
News of Zima re-entering our lives like a girlfriend you hated the first time you dated her instinctively led to teenage hangover-induced flashbacks across the social mediasphere:
“Remember that time we drove around with Zima in Sprite bottles because we didn’t think the cops would know if they busted us?” This was me. Zima made me smart. #AlternativeFacts
Todd Moyer exclaimed, “Oh no, we don’t need a repeat of graduation night!” Because high school partying rites of passage were fueled by Zima.
Elizabeth Agler recalled a special, intimate evening spent with Zima:
“NOOO! That’s what I was drinking when the campus police came at Pitt-Bradford. You were there, Jason. Did you escape in time?”
I did. Thanks, Zima.
And then, Jason Collins put it all in perspective: “I’ll have to make a trip to Ed Yale’s house to throw it up all over his kitchen for nostalgia’s sake.”
Yes you will, Jason. Yes you will.
When someone transitions from macro to craft beer, they typically do it with a ‘gateway’ or ‘bridge’ beer. In that spirit, we all owe Zima a tremendous debt. The drink pushed upon us as “Zomething Different” can be credited with serving as the gateway beverage to drinking anything else on the face of the planet anywhere. Some people even went as far as to start drinking Mountain Dew instead. MOUNTAIN. DEW. Let that sink in.
Due to Zima’s epic comeback like a case of something contracted after drinking Zima, it’s time we put aside the fancy small plates and beautiful presentations carefully paired with the highest quality beverages for the event of events: The Zima & Jolly Rancher Pairing Thing. This event will be nothing short of (insert expectation here)!
Date and location yet to be determined…so just block every day for a while…and then the day after the party to nurse the pain.
Eleven different flavors of Jolly Ranchers have been carefully chosen and will be expertly paired with all one flavors of Zima to create absolutely something. We’ll have food on hand so you can throw it up later and reminisce. AND, we’ll be YouTubing clips of TRL and smoking Winston 100s like 1997 Kid Rock.
Of course, we could do most of these things without Zima. But, ask yourself a simple question: Would it be worth it if you could remember it the next day?
Welcome back Zima, you magnificent bastard!
Mountain Dew sucks. Didn’t think I’d pay that off, did you?
The Stuck Mash is a new thing on Breaking Brews consisting of words, sentences, and paragraphs. Its contents represent a tapestry of flavors, textures, aromas, and moments designed to illuminate the mind, the body, and the spirit. OK, some guy just fact-checked this. It’s a parody of some shit. It may not even be real. But…you may not be either. How do you like those apples?