In a list that made cell phone company moguls tap their fingertips together slowly while muttering ‘eeeexcellent’ under their breaths, Pennsylvania was named the leading state in the union for spending a shit ton of time on their cell phones while they consume beer. This news comes on the heels that PA also produces the most beer of any state in the country and, while its beer scene in Philadelphia may be as dynamic as it comes, its hockey team is absolutely unbearable.
The list came courtesy of Untappd, a user-friendly beer resource that allows you to chronicle the liquid you consume and bury your face in a smartphone in an effort to collect badges, thus helping you avoid actual conversation and human interaction when drinking in public. The badges serve as symbols of…something…and the fact that Pennsylvania left California and eight other states in the dust with its check-in total……is also something.
“This is such fantastic news,” said one beer drinker speaking on condition of anonymity because they age IPAs. “Towards the end of December, I checked in 13 Miller Lites while watching a Law & Order: SVU marathon on The USA Network. So I like to feel I had a hand in pushing our great state to triumph.”
Certain studies released by the Trump administration have shown the process of checking in beers actually makes them taste better. When reached for comment, parties responsible for the study simply said, “Hashtag science.”
Now that the beer drinking populous of PA has proven to the world they can swipe right for sexy beers with more dexterity and abundance than anyone else, what’s next?
“I think if we join together, put our minds to it, and pool our collective efforts, we can lead the nation in dirty glassware beer selfies,” said another beer drinker who happened to be walking by a minute ago. “It’s not an easy feat, but the Eagles finally won a Super Bowl. That proves the impossible is possible.”
The Stuck Mash is a thing on Breaking Brews consisting of words, sentences, and paragraphs. Its contents represent a tapestry of flavors, textures, aromas, and moments designed to illuminate the mind, the body, and the spirit. OK, full disclosure: It’s a parody of some shit. In fact, the author is happy to report that no facts were checked before publishing this installment.