In an act of total brewing defiance, Bethel Park’s Joel Johnston set up a small homebrewing system in his garage last weekend and brewed a hoppy pale ale without a beard.
“Yeah, people are probably going to be pissed, but craft brewing is all about going against the grain,” Johnston exclaimed. “I’m fully aware my clean shaven face will make people rate my beer lower on Untappd, but that’s a black eye I will wear like a badge of honor.”
Johnston contemplated growing something on his face so his beer would taste better, but quickly remembered years of swimming in the pool at the Bally’s/LA Fitness in South Hills Village made it impossible for him to grow facial hair or taste sour candies.
“One day, they’ll clean that pool,” Johnston predicted.
Johnston expects his hoppy pale to come in around 5.5 – 6% ABV and boast floral, piney notes. He said going through the meticulous brewing process without having to stroke a beard was liberating.
“I feel like Rosa Parks, setting new trends and shit,” Johnston said. “This gives hope to every guy out there who can only grow awkward stubble or one of those weird caterpillar for mustache things that, yes, indeed you can brew a beer, too.”
Johnston’s beer should be ready to consume in a couple weeks. He’s hoping the flavor comes through despite the fact he didn’t cultivate the yeast in his own non-existent beard.
“That was the one thing I was scared about, but I had to press on,” Johnston explained. “There were a couple people on Craigslist that volunteered to donate yeast from their beards, but they struck me as incredibly shady characters. I mean, who goes on Craigslist for beard yeast? The good stuff is on eBay.”
The Stuck Mash is a thing on Breaking Brews consisting of words, sentences, and paragraphs. Its contents represent a tapestry of flavors, textures, aromas, and moments designed to illuminate the mind, the body, and the spirit. OK, full disclosure: It’s a parody of some shit. There are plenty of clean-shaven gentlemen out there brewing beer as we speak. I think.