This is often the phrase that leaves the mouth of Homestead native Jake Curtins as he banters with his bartender about what beer he’s going to order. Curtins is always on the forefront of drinking what’s new to the menu in hopes of unlocking a new badge on Untappd. He also can’t wait to jump online and share his thoughts on the latest hoppy or malty opus that find its way to his mouth because that’s why the Internet was invented.
Before taking his first sip, he snapped a picture with his iPhone, because 2017. Then, as he raised the glass to his lips for that anxiously-anticipated first quaff, Curtins realized something was off. The aroma was intriguing, the flavor was intoxicating…but he hadn’t yet seen what others wrote about it on BeerAdvocate.
“How can anyone expect me to truly enjoy my beer if my opinion is not influenced by the comments of others?”
Curtins quickly called an audible on just enjoying the beer and hopped onto BeerAdvocate’s website. What he discovered just wasn’t cool, man.
“81? 81?! How could this beer be ranked so low,” Curtins pondered. “I mean, I really liked my first sip. I would’ve easily ranked this an 87, even an 88. And, you know, I got a really good haircut before I came here today, so I probably would’ve even considered an 89. Not a 90. But a solid 89. I can’t even.”
The bartender made his way back and asked Curtins what his thoughts were on his beer.
“Not bad. But it’s not what I think, it’s what everyone else said on the Internet about it,” Curtins said. “I want to return this beer.”
The bartender, perplexed, managed to reply, “Um, you want to…..what?”
“I want to return this beer for another, Curtins explained. “Clearly, its BeerAdvocate score is not to my liking. I have to be in a really, REALLY good mood to drink anything with a score under 85.”
The bartender calmly explained that he couldn’t do that and, in an effort to comfort the now distraught Curtins, told him many bar patrons had plenty of good things to say about that beer. He even tried to drive home the point that, while absolutely arbitrary, an 81 wasn’t a bad score…which was met with a vacant stare. Even the folks sitting two stools down voiced their pleasure for said beverage.
“But you’re not on the Internet,” Curtins said.
Curtins reluctantly finished his beer and posted his beer selfie on Instagram. Not because he wanted to. Because he’s supposed to.
The Stuck Mash is a thing on Breaking Brews consisting of words, sentences, and paragraphs. Its contents represent a tapestry of flavors, textures, aromas, and moments designed to illuminate the mind, the body, and the spirit. OK, full disclosure: It’s a parody of some shit. Sadly, this story has an element of truth to it as I actually watched an acquaintance try to return a pumpkin beer once because it didn’t taste like Pumking. So many things to parody, so much time. See you next week.